Dear <Company Name>,
With all the craziness this holiduh season, it’s easy for us consumers to forget the people who think up those clever words that become an integral part of our lives. The ability to combine two existing words into something new and innovative, without falling back on that horizontal crutch known as the hyphen, is a gift that few others are able to proliferate on such a massive scale. If you didn’t spew words like “cabinocity” or “crumbelievable” into our homes every commercial break we simply wouldn’t know what to spend our minimum-wage Taco Bell money on. Since Christmunk is a time to give back I have decided to contribute definitions to your vocabularious cause.
Rondoism - A relatively new religion formed around the worship of Ron Popeil. Young followers often have a Ginsucision® performed in which their mouth is widened to look more like Ron.
Giddyupins - A neurological disorder that occurs when Restless Leg Syndrome spreads up the spine and into the brain. The sufferer tends to dance sideways as if riding an invisible horse. Also known as Canttouchinsons Disease.
Cabinocity - A congenital form of extreme cabin fever in which the sufferer runs around wildly out of boredom. Often triggered by commercials on every channel at once, this disorder can theoretically be cured by a working Xbox 360. However, until one is discovered researchers will continue looking for realistic alternatives.
Steerology - The study of herd formations in an attempt to predict things about you that also apply to everyone else. ie. “The Spork, while highly functional, should be avoided at all costs on the 35th of Smarch.”
Holiduh - The term for any Rondo holiday. It was first coined by a Ginsucised® Rondoist attempting to pronounce “Holiday” with their oversized mouth.
Nougatocity - The phsyical attribute of a substance in which scientific uncertainty is quantified in a number ranging from 0.0(water) to 1.0(nougat). Grits has a rating of 0.37nog due to some confusion over the ingredients, while Nougat is rated a full 1.0nog because nobody knows just WTF it is.
Christmunk - The most important holiduh on the Rondo calendar. Every January 1st, the start of the fiscal year, Ron Popeil is said to ride a chipmunk-drawn sleigh into town throwing toys into the gaping mouths of Rondoists. The bigger you can open your mouth, the more As Seen On TV crap he can fit in there.
Crumbelievable - *cringe*… You’re on your own.
I hope you find these definitions to be a useful addition to your unimaginatively asinine words. Enclosed you will find a delicious Pizone as a token of my appreciation.
Best Regards,
L. C. Denominator
Edit: The following is the most completastic list of bullshit commercial words ever. Comment with any you’ve heard and I’ll add it to this List-o-Shame. I’m leaving out product names (like Pizone) because they are inherently fake/composite words… I have a word of my own, it’s called “morphologicide”.
List-o-Shame
- Nougatocity - Snickers
- Hungerectomy - Snickers
- Peanutopolis - Snickers
- Substantialicious - Snickers
- Satisfectellent - Snickers
- Rondoism - Kia
- Giddyupins - Kia
- Cabinocity - Kia
- Steerology - Kia
- Crumbelievable - Kraft
- Expureience - Kraft
- Pampure - Kraft
- Purefectly - Kraft
- Pureka - Kraft
- Purepare - Kraft
- Supureb - Kraft
- Holiduh - Alvin and the Chipmunks (Movie)
- Christmunk - Alvin and the Chipmunks (Movie)
- Shrimply - Rubios
- Crispalicious - Rubios
- Chewphoria - Wrigley
- Fourdoorsy - Jeep
- Fritalian - Dunkin’ Donuts
- Phenomenoil - GNC
- Protectify - Snapple
- Thinnovation - Apple
- Thrillicious - Sobe
- Optimiom - Soyjoy
- Youtility - Honda
- Will Ferrellicious - Semi-Pro (Movie)
- Creatiolutionism - Spore
- Organify - Wild Harvest
- Saludablicioso (Translation: “Healthalicious”?) - Cheerios
- Stroft - Scott
- Cinnsation - Cinnamon Toast Crunch
- Originale - Budweiser
- Milktastical - California Milk Processor Board
- Nailscratchical - California Milk Processor Board
- Sweetsippical - California Milk Processor Board
- Lushlippical - California Milk Processor Board
- Teethtacular - California Milk Processor Board
- Milkazuma - California Milk Processor Board
- Rockupation - California Milk Processor Board
- Rocksody (possibly “Rock City”, but I doubt it) - California Milk Processor Board
- Deliciosity - ??? (forgot)
